His Name? Number 2

Imagine this situation: You are walking out of class heading to the caf and BOOM; you need to take a monster dump. While you have time to decide where to go, you need to make a decision quickly. So what do you do? Where is the best place to take a dump on campus? Sure some people may have private bathrooms in their homes but some people aren't fortunate enough to have that privilege and still live where they did as freshman. So for all you incoming freshman who never get the actual guidance and lowdown needed during a tour or orientation, here are some important notes and places to take a dump on campus.

Top 3

1. Library 1st Floor Bathroom -Ok we all knew this one.....or did we? While it may not smell great, the 1st floor library bathroom offers what others can't: full privacy. Located in the center of campus, this bathroom is a single toilet in a lockable room (which some people forget to use....come on people! I'm not trying to walk in on you). There is nothing better than taking care of business in private. No need to rush or worry about other people hearing you in action. Great for that lib study break and the guy in the temple hat who always sits next to it. I feel ya buddy.

2. Althouse Basement - What is the first thing you check out in a brand new or renovated building, yep....the bathrooms. While they do offer a private unisex bathroom in the basement, the men's bathroom in the basement is beautiful. In near pristine condition, the bathroom features two stalls that seem nearly untouched. Because of it's location, it is rare that you will be disturbed. The cleanliness and smell is unbeatable and the high tech hand warmer is something out of a sci-fi movie.

3. Stern Basement - Similar to the above entry with some slight changes. Very little traffic flows through the Stern basement so again, you are unlikely to be disturbed. The bathroom is slightly larger than Althouse and almost reminds me of a 4 star hotel lobby bathroom with its dim lights and beautiful floor tile pattern.

Some other notes:

-Avoid Denny Bathroom if you can. Not only is the smell awful, you are bound to walk into one of your professors in there. Trust me, nothing is more awkward than the conversations that happen there

-If you ever need to go in the HUB, always use the basement of the HUB. Always less crowded. Try to avoid taking a deuce during meals there. Always people coming in and out.

-Some would think Rector is nice but I disagree. First of all, every time the handwarmer goes off I get a heart attack for how loud the thing is. Secondly, the automatic flush always goes off even when you are still taking a shit. These things are supposed to save water? How is that possible when the toilet flushes 5 times during 1 shitting. Idiots!

-If you are ever in the Kline, never use the locker rooms. Always go to the bathroom behind the wall climbing area.

-And remember: dropping a deuce should be a relaxing and reliving experience. When you are going, you want to find a peaceful and clean spot to maximize the enjoyment. Nothing is worse than an un-enjoyable shit or having to rush etc. Catch your breath and think, find the right spot, take time out of that boring lecture or to avoid being called on and enjoy.

PS: keeping a magazine or Dickinsonian handy in your backpack never hurts. Having enjoyable reading material for a deuce is always nice.

Also get pumped for Justin Bieber: Never Say Never movie. Trailor is on IMDB. It's gonna be in 3D!